Day 4: When You Believe

 

"Have faith in your dreams, and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
The dreams that you wish will come true."
-Cinderella
 

Today is a more serious, reflective post, which fits in with my mood about romance of late.

Something I've kind of struggled with a bit since my relationship two years ago is defeat and cynicism. I was the hopeless romantic with my head in the clouds, blissfully ignorant about the idea that life can and often does turn out radically different than we have planned. Losing my brother and aunt and dealing with the flopped relationship all in one year kind of quickly changed my thinking in that area.

In most ways, it was really good. It forced me to look at (and in a lot of cases, discard) my precious, "unbreakable" theories on life and romance and what-to-do-to-magically-make-everything-work. I became more relaxed, less judgemental. It bled over into every area of my life, and I firmly believe the Lord used it to show me some glaring blind spots in my life and to balance me out to make me more like Him. As hard as it was, I wouldn't change it. I would never want to go back to who I was before.

But in the process, I've noticed a bit of cynicism. In complete honesty, there is a part of me that wonders if all that stuff about being in love can really happen. I know in my head it can, and I see it played out in the lives of people I love who are so very happily in love themselves. But it doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with it.

 For me, acceptance with people isn't that big of a deal. If they like me and the way I am, great, if they don't, then their loss. I have always felt very confident in who I am as a person, quirks and all. I love being who I am. Those different things about me are the quirks the Lord gave me and I'm happy with them. Yes, I've had people think I was a bit weird, but that has never bothered me. I don't need validation from other people for that.

But I think that what we girls all struggle with is the idea of that one person who we want to love us for who we are. It's that niggling doubt when you have those people who think you're a little too fill-in-the-blank, and while it doesn't bother you, the thought does come up at three in the morning, "What if he thinks I'm silly for such-and-such reason?" We want that person who will not only tolerate, but love each and every quirk about it, the one person we won't have to put any kind of false front on for.

I'm not a staid, all-put-together good Christian girl who dots all the i's and crosses all the t's. I'm crazy and I cry at everything and I love over-the-top jewelry and I get on the hyper side when I'm excited and I obsess over everything and the little things - like a sparkly bow on a shoe vs. a plain flat - thrill me. I'm controversial and sometimes a bit radical. Rather unconventional in every way. And I'm not going to lie, sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there who is going to be okay with that.

I'm perfectly happy with where I'm at. I love the single life, and honestly hope there's at least a few more years of it ahead for me. But when/if the time comes, I want someone who loves me just the way I am.

And then it hit me the other day - that's what the Lord does. He loves us just the way we are. He created me the way I am, and He thinks it's perfect. And while I don't preach that "Jesus is all you need and once you get that you'll never be discontent again" - because frankly I don't believe that, He created us to need someone - I do believe that He does have someone out there, if marriage is in my future, who will love those things just like He does. If indeed He has someone planned for me, then every quirk is a part of His purpose for my life, for our lives, and for our future.

And when you look at it that way, it makes it easier to sit back and believe that somewhere there's someone who will love you just the way you are. So don't change. Embrace the way that God made you. If marriage is in your future, someday it will happen, and do not settle for anything less. And if not, you all ready have someone who not only accepts the way you are, but loves every bit of it.

"I've been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming of what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?"

"It will be."

-Tangled